Transformations

Awakened by the swaying trees, how can you be awakened up by something so quiet, something we don’t even hear in midday when we are wide awake, is it because we are busy living our busy daily routine? is it even possible, to be moved by silence?

My mind is at it’s loudest, inspired and grateful and stressed and worried by the next few weeks, so many changes lately, so many that I can’t even count them anymore. I stopped, I just sit down and try to make lists and set deadlines. I try to educate myself by looking at artworks online and watch tutorials every now and then. I try to eat as healthy as I can so I could feel a little bit more energetic. With the moving out and the baby growing heavier and bigger in my womb, embarking a true transformation of self and surrounding.

In a way I have become more responsible in the past few months, taking care of the three of us while coming up with a business plan and working  toward the goals I sat for it. Everything seemed to go according the plan and it felt good for a while. However, with the move and being in my third trimester, launching a patreon page, or starting a new project online for that matter didn’t seem like the smartest idea. And I lost that spark that was keeping me goung forward, And i have stopped feeling creative. How can I put it, lets say, a machine of responsibilities is what we became. Doing tasks with the sunrise till the stars fills the sky, nonstop. crossing out tasks,filling boxes from the agenda and counting days became our favorite activity.
It is definitely not easy, being alone in a country with no friends nor family, no stable job, no regular income, being married and pregnant, and having to move out.  But despite how challenging and insane it is, it is quite exciting. It is an experience that I know will affect my art in some way later in life, and that idea comfort me. All of this, it gives me something to feel, and that what an artist needs the most. I won’t get buried in responsibilities for nothing, this is the current circumstances and by accepting it, by not complaining it will take me some where I am sure.
Doing art and improving doesn’t only come by practice, which is something I used to believe. The way I see it now, improving and developing comes from the challenges and most importantly, it comes from the feelings we encounter, the struggles that put you down to your knees and leave you no other option but to accept the reality and search for the good part in things.

Yes, I miss my old life, I miss my studio in Amman that was filled with sun beams and dired flowers, I miss how irresponsible my husband and I were and when our hardest decision was where to have our afternoon coffee.I miss teaching and I miss my job so bad. I miss having quality time with my sister, discussing art and watching lame movies. I miss hanging out with my girls. I miss having a proper home cooked meal everyday, without doing any groceries and preparation before nor cleaning up after. I miss the safety that comes with by living with your parents. I can write a whole book about the things I miss. Back then I think I lacked something though, something crucial that living away from my country taught me, how to be independent , like really independent.
All of that gave me something new to feel, influenced my art in ways I can’t even describe, I am just so inspired by thinking of it. Back in my home town I was always either relying on others or living in denial to solve my problems, I was in a comfort zone without even being aware of that fact, I have always thought I lived outside of it. However, After two and a half years of being away in a strange country, in this strange sequence of life events,in a place and in situation where nothing is predictable, handeling all those responsibilities at once, I can say that being independent and responsible is a bliss. Hard, but it can make you outgrow fears you never knew you would in some weird way.  
I am sorry if this post is all over the place, I am just sitting on the floor of our new place emptying my mind here, it always gave me a relief writing like this.

Thank you for reading, even though my content has lacked creating and art for a while , You are here, and that mean so much to me.  This is where I am right now in life.

Wishing you a beautiful day,