April this year

Sitting in my sick bed for almost a 10 days now, so far I have manage to reread Brida by Paulo Coelho, did a puzzle of Frida Kahlo’s portrait, finished up lots and lots of hot drink, soups and tissue boxes. Ran out of lemon and honey, watched “beauty and the beast”, “Hercules”, “Catch and release” , “breaking bad” , three turkish movies and “Flavors of youth”, I enjoyed the last one the most, it just inspired and touched me in many ways.

With this sickness, My voice disappeared, so did my fire and passion to do anything art related, I wasn’t able to talk over the phone with anybody so of course had some thoughts nagging in my head. Writing used to come to me so easily, so did painting, taking photos and even sharing stuff. For months I missed writing and creating every single day, every single morning effortlessly and with no plan, However, something has been missing for quite a while now and I had no idea where to even look at it if I couldn’t address it yet. 
I wanted to find my muse and spark and the only way to do so is by continued searching, looking up at the moon in the black night sky and by listening to the silence that comes when sun rays hit the wooden floor, between the fallen dust in the evening, the stillness in the empty tea cups, in movies and music and probably, by looking at art. 
Stability has been missing, like the way my willpower gone without  a warning, stability has been missing from my life. 

Living in the unexpected constantly has a very heavy effect on my creativity and ability to do art related stuff. Decision making and brainstorming were taking the biggest part of my life recently and It drained me out, like I had no energy left but still was looking for answers here and there, trying to make the best of what is yet to come, From my art career, to my shop closing, my husband’s work and exams, our home situation, looking for flats, “moving out” which will happen shortly, my trip to Jordan and everything happened before and after that. Our life has been moving so fast and been so stressful in the past few weeks, a giant and his whole family has been sitting on my chest for days and days and days. I had no clue how to manage things between my art and all of these personal changes. When I got sick last week, Physically I was suffering from joint, head and back pain constantly, coughing and with a horrible nasal infection, a sleeping schedule that was all over the place. Mentally on the other hand, I was at peace. I took a relief sign, I stopped everything for a while, all the noises in my head became a city at four AM in the morning. Soundless, no chaos, still. 
Once again I have been reminded ( in the hard way) that doing everything all the time means nothing if you’re restless. If I am in physical pain or constant worry, pushing myself harder to create and do art will only cause me more pain and stress, because nothing will be enough, nothing will turn out the way I planned and instead of trying to get my priorities in order, the other things in my life  in shape I start blaming it on my lack of ability or skill or talent. Which will only lead to even worse creative rut. 

This whole update is mainly to remind me self, and you (if you ever experience something similar), that everything has limit and no matter how hard is it to live in the unknown, or away from your passion, or when looking at the bright side feel so vague and pointless, remember that it won’t always be like that, it is not a constant thing,it will come to an end eventually. Like everything in this life, this too shall pass. You won’t feel like this forever.

I started this post four days ago, today I am continuing it with my breakfast, tomato soup and chocolate donut, weird combination but satisfying. This morning I am feeling the best I felt in days, and after a much needed break from decision making, and life in general, I feel strong enough to stand up and chase my goals, ready to dive in the unknown again, start creating, dreaming and working. Slowly, in baby steps, with passion.

How is your April going so far?